i want my thunder

Everyone can do this. Religion is just the fluff that cushions the people too scared to accept the boundaries of death. But you don’t need it. Leading a fulfilling life without that fluff is the real challenge, the real test of strength. The first step is understanding that me you and everyone we know has equal access to the light. The second is learning how to use it.

Thank you, Mr. Kubrick. It’s such a relief when someone is able to articule exactly how I feel better than I ever could.

No Comments

day 217

After I snapped this shot of the tiny cupcakes Chels baked for us, Linda looked at me skeptically and asked why I would want a photo of them. I looked at her skeptically and said, “because they’re pretty.” Then I thought about what my life would be like if I didn’t have a photography problem, and what I imagined was a very sad life indeed. I guess you wouldn’t understand what you were missing because unless we’re talking about professional photography, people probably think of it as a means to record memories, and not a tool for enriching one’s life. My photos are the most important things I have. Sometimes I scroll through iphoto and I am so amazed at the blur of light and color there that represents my life. Places and faces, both in focus and out.

No Comments

I’ve eaten my eggs a lot of different ways but never before with radiation. I also never imagined myself having breakfast in the NM imaging room at radiology. They told me to stay away from pets and small children for a while. Just kidding. But I wonder how long I’ll be glowing?

No Comments

day 216

that moment when you pass your old neighborhood to drive to your new one

top: old empty room
bottom: new empty room

No Comments

miranda july: It will happen on the coming Sunday, between noon and 3:15 pm. It won’t change your life forever, but for a long time, years.

No Comments

day 215

noonles, bali hai, sushi, old pearl, front porch

No Comments

It feels like the earth has tilted slightly and I’m hopping around on one foot trying to stand upright but I’m just not able to regain my balance. The past year has been so strange, first re-remembering how to be a happy me, then settling into a pretty constant, healthy routine, followed by a long period of excruciating struggle, and now I’m not even sure where I am. Sometimes everything can change so quickly, and so suddenly. One half of my life does not resemble at all what it was last week. The changes aren’t bad necessarily, but I’d rather I was able to stand up straight. I’m not sure how long it will take to get there.

my small shoes and his slightly bigger shoes

i have yet to receive the same one twice

babysitting vincent in a beautiful house in denver with ali

No Comments

day 214

the last time i will ever stand here and revel in this beauty
goodbye, my childhood home

No Comments

a special message from patricia

I would normally save the following for my private journal, this being a very public space such that I am most often compelled to be very cryptic about the real nitty gritty substance of my life. I’m not sure who many of you are that follow this blog or why you care about my weird little life, but it means a lot that you do, and for whatever reason I feel a deep sense of trust because of that.

So here it is: Just in the last few weeks I have finally, after struggling and struggling for what seemed like an eternity, clawed my way out of an abyss that at times I really wasn’t sure I’d ever find my way out of. If you had told me a few years ago that one day I’d be the victim of a full-blown eating disorder, I would have totally scoffed at you. It’s the strangest thing that has ever happened to my brain – in every other situation I have always existed in a state of cognitive dissonance in which one part of my brain is completely aware that some of my thoughts and feelings are illogical even if it can’t always convince the other half. My eating disorder, on the other hand, has been defined by complete disillusionment. But something changed recently, something clicked into place. It felt very sudden but in reality it was the end result of a long process of cognitive evolution. Other factors contributed to my recovery of course – basic strategies developed through therapy, chanting to the gohonzon, letting compassion pour forth from my heart and drinking in what was reflected back at me, putting all my efforts into connecting with those around me.

As I have come out of the haze of my struggle, it has become clearer to me than ever before that there is so much love in my life, and I am so grateful for that, and I never want to lose sight of it again – the love of my family, the love of old friends, the love of new friends, and the most beautiful kind of eternal romantic love. My life is so rich with beautiful people and I am so awed and overwhelmed by it.

So perhaps I have not beaten the monster, but I have at least tamed it. As difficult as it has been, I value deeply that the ordeal has shown me how strong I am, what I am capable of overcoming, and how very very far I will ever be from being alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has been there with me through this – you may not feel like you did much to help, but you did.

No Comments

day 213

not very often that you see a confederate flag in CO
then again i was on east colfax

No Comments